my aunt is the most inspirational person to me, sorry mom.
because she just has so much strength.
She also found true love that would have last a lifetime, but really lasts much longer.
At the age of 19 she married my uncle and had my cousin.
and 3 years later my other cousin.
I could imagine it wasn't easy for them but they made it and their house was my favorite place to be. The only other place than my house where I ever wanted to sleep over.
They'd take me to the Windmill diner where I remember getting french toast for dinner and putting quarters into the booth jukebox.
I'd make them watch my disney movies all night and eat ice cream and tons of delicious stuff!
Then I'd sleep in between them all night and woke up to breakfast or go out to another diner for breakfast.
I learned so much from my uncle like different types of birds, flowers, and basically everything I now teach Norman. I know he'd be so happy at my environmental major and probably teach me more than my professors.

My aunt has so much strength because she lost my uncle 13 years ago this past July 8th. She has dated someone in between these years but even he knew that he couldn't replae my uncle or the love of her life.
I love her more than anything and always tell her how she's my favorite.<3

I'm so drunk right now... Not too drunk only like 6-7 beers drunk.
I miss my boyfriend.

I tried texting my ex, to distract me from having to pee so bad.
He didn't reply... so i'm sure tomorrow he will, when I want to sleep..

I love who I am with right now and can't stop trying to be with him... I'm hoping he loves me as mujch as I love him.


&&& PS I passed both summer courses I was taking with a C or better :)

July ALREADY?

This weekend I'm going away with Peter and his family to Pennsylvania :)
It may thunder which suuuucks because we are going to go tubing off the boat and swimming and so on. So i hope it doesn't!

I went out tanning today to hopefully look decent in my bathing suit. I've noticed chubby girls look so good in bikinis if they are tan. So I'm hoping my legs will look skinnier. lol

I'm trying to be on a diet too but it's not working out. Also because I'm not working out... lol.

And then next week is my last week of classes :)
except meaning that I wont see peter every week.. but its only 7 more weeks at that point. so its manageable :)

Fire or sleep?

We (my family) woke up last night at probably about 3 to some beeping. It subsided and we went to sleep. One hour later, it beeped again, scaring the living daylight out of me and forced me to stand up and say in an almost crying voice "WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!" my mom annoyed at the noise and me goes, "It's the carbon monoxide detector. Unplug it."
Without thought, I did. I did notice it said 0 on it, but it likes to beep randomly sometimes or when we lose power.

Then while we disabled that, it beeped again. This time we realized it was the smoke detector - clearly not detecting any smoke or fire.
We fiddled around with the detector for a bit and then gave up thinking, maybe we fixed it.

Norman woke up at this point so I layed in with him, now its about 4am, until he went to sleep. I get back in my bed/my moms bed (bc I don't actually have a room here anymore) and fall back to sleep.
About a half hour later. It beeps again.
An hour later, again.
an hour later, again.
Finally I got up, and found the reset button and pressed it.
It stopped beeping, I went back to sleep, and woke up an hour later for work.

My mom said it beeped before they went out earlier today.
But I hadn't heard it since I got home at 3:30.
That was, until 50 minutes ago.
When it beeped again!

My mom bought new batteries today but we couldn't figure out how to do it.
But now I replaced all of them and am hoping that at 9:55 (5 to the hour seems to be the time they chime) it does NOT beep again or I will very happily smash every single one.

I hate how people make me feel, scratch that... how I let people make me feel like my feelings/thoughts are petty & insignificant.
Like I'm a child whose words have no value.

I don't at all care what you think!

Cry cry cry babyyyy

Seriously. If I was having sex, I'd think I was pregnant.

I'm generally in such a shitty mood. And Peter said he thinks he's falling in love with me... which was kinda confusing, even though it was meant to be cute, considering we've been saying it every now and then via text but we're still too shy and awkward to say it in person.
Then said, its getting better, increasingly more. which i guess is sweet too. i mean. i guess its the same for me because I hate leaving him everytime we see each other. He came to visit me sunday evening at home - via the ferry. and I dropped him off on tuesday and wanted to cry.
And today I visited him on my way back home from school. Didn't want to cry when I left, but it sucked. I wish I coulda stayed forever -- except I'm going back down on tuesda and staying there tues and wednesday night. so that'll be nice.

My main idea that came to my head that inspired a blog post was, considering this all started with me saying "I want you"

That...

I'd rather have a boy who is falling more and more in love with me, than one who only wants sex. Obviously. But rather have the love, then the physical part of our relationship in general - even though I am totally the guy in the relationship about all the physical stuff.

I love his family. I met his aunt today. And I feel really comfy there, even though I've only been there one time before. I never felt at home at my ex's house.

We accidently walked down the diaper aisle today, and he goes, "no diapers for a while, a long while, a long time." lol. which made me laugh. PUHLEASE. i dont think i want kids till i'm at least 30... but since thats 8 smal years away.... maybe 35. lol

SUMMER!

Summer has begun.

We may go to splash down - a water park near my house that we've actually never been to - on Monday!
And Peter is coming tomorrow night (hopefully) and gonna come monday with us.
If we don't end up going, I'm gonna definitely make it fun and we will go to the local zoo that has LEMURS!! and Marmosets! So it's totally worth it and only costs 2 dollars.

I just need to smell him.


I am soooo excited :)

sometimes i just feel like a zombie.
it takes one thing to make me feel so insignificant.
it sucks

paperss

"Oh you're playing another game? I was going to go back to my room and ask if you wanted to come."-me
"Why are you going back to your room?"-peter
"To sleep."
"You can sleep here."
"I need to straighten my hair in the morning."
"Your hair looks nice like that."

:) So I guess I'll stay :)
I sometimes feel like maybe I'm clingy because the past 2 weeks we've only spent one night apart... but I guess he realllly does like me around. haha. its always nice to know.

off to bed, i finished a "4 page paper" which turned out to be 5 + a cover sheet, a work cited, and 6 pages of appendicciis.

As for my 20 page paper... I got 4 pages down, in just an hour and half on wednesday... Tomorrow I aim for 6 more pages to be at 10 pages.. then I'm half way there! :) Then I'll switch gears to do my 7-8 page portion of my group paper due wednesday.
It's slowing all coming together.

I was invited to go to an anthropologist/primatologist party tonight. But I ended up 1. having a huge headache and feeling awful 2. hickeys on my neck and 3.having to do this 4 page paper that resulted in over 4 hours of my life.
So while I wish i could have went, i really couldn't have. eh.

ew. finals. papers galore. it all sucks. im dreading these last 2 weeks.

good things are:
-got a summer house in southampton!
its so dreamy!
-me and peter are finallllly dating and i looove it
his ex girlfriend has been trying to give me drama but its whatev. nothing i can do about what she says. could be true or not. she talked shit to my friend about me but when i ran into her today she was fairly calm and diplomatic. so i said thanks and didnt get bitchy.




things to do this week.
geography final tomorrow
gis paper and google earth ppt due saturday
sustainable agriculture 15 page partner paper and final on the 18th
and env. problems final on the 18
technical writing 20 page paper due the 19th

then. im drinking lots of alcohol... til my summer classes begin on the 31st...

from my kin :-P

im watching norman play a seseame street fossil game on my computer. he kills me. he uncovers the bones and puts them together and then goes "thats a brontasaurus" or whatever it is. lol
he had to stay home from daycare today to spend the day with me.. iwanted to sleep. but his cuteness makes it okay! :-)

"The view from up here is getting better with you by my side. "

We The Kings are not the most manliest of bands.
But I love that he loves them. He never plays his screamo music in the car with me. He only plays songs that he can sing to me, well, he can sing those too, but he always sings me cutesy songs.

I don't think hes coming over tonight, but thats okay. :)

At least I may be on the island this summer which is closer to him...
as long as it doesnt end.. lol. which I'm sure there will be other prospects out in the Hamptons ;) where I will be staying - hopefully.

Things are so going so well! :)
He kisses me in public now and everyone knows we're together because hes always holding my hand.

Downside... still not dating. still scared he'll hurt me... I dont know how to fix it because I'm afraid bringing it up is going to ruin things.

but. he kissesss me all the time when im asleep. Like if i take a nap in his bed when he's playing games. he will kiss me about 6 times an hour. on my forehead, hands, nose, anywhere and its so cute.

I just love him with me.


Oh crap! time to feed ambres fish! i totally forgot all morning!
& shower.

Had a great weekend! His parents were super sweet and invited me to come back for spring break. :)
We (me, peter, and his friend corey) then took a few pics in his bathroom (randomly) and it was awesome. the others are on fb. but i dont like this one too much for faceboook. but its our only me and him picture. so itll do for less public use.

peter invited me home with him this weekend. im laying in the guest bedroom right now... we were at his friends til late so i still havent met his parents... lol im so nervous

new phoonee

Blogger from my phone! Times are a'changin :-)

ps. i love diana and this is for her:
if i was invisiiiibleeeeeee

Tired of feeling so deflated at the end of everyday.

I know I'm the one to blame for trusting that things would get better.

I think I'll easily hurt for the next 2 months. Then summer I'll get away and feel relieved.
So... maybe I should endur what I'm scared of... being once again, not his girlfriend, just to make the time past faster... and then swear I'm done once summer comes...

That's the lower, easier road to take... but why can't I make things simple for me for once? I hate feeling so shitty. If I stop trying to make it more than it is.. it'll all feel okay. Right?

And if he hurts me again.. well that would be awful. I never want to feel that bad again. But this mild hurt every day, adds up to a lot eventually.

I should just go to sleep, but it was so much easier with him next to me last night and all today.

Even if he cheated & "can't be a boyfriend"... I know that its more. I'm really not being foolish. I have no doubt that when I'm with him, he doesn't want to be anywhere else. He'd stay in my bed all day even if we just talk and sleep. He smiles at me for no reason, a smile that I know makes his heart jump.

I just know this is/was meant to be more. It's so hard to just walk away.
Even if I get nowhere by staying...

BAHH

I'M PATHETICCCCC.

but... i like it.

"Thought this would cheer you up"

Glad how someoen I don't ever really talk to, just sent me a music video to "cheer me up".

Great.
Glad everyone knows I was cheated on.

Like the nerve of her to try to talk to me about it...
Wow

Oh thank you sun!

The sun greeted me this morning through my blinds!
And its fairly warm out.
This instantly made me happy. :)

And its been a fairly good day so far.
& I look pretty also, thats a bonus!

Alllll I needed!

Was some exercise, cheerios, and a romantic comedy. :) I feel good!

And No Strings Attached was awesome :) -I have about 3 minutes to go.

I am stupppid. and sent the website link to Peter. just with the message "you should watch it, im pretty sure you've said every line she does" and i told him not to reply.

This movie is so him. so i had to. but. i dont really want him to reply bc it wasnt to talk to him i just wanted him to see how RIDICULOUS he is.

but im happy and content. and i want it to be sunny tomorrow!!

Upside.

The good part about not having a boyfriend...

I don't have to shave my legs every day!!!
Or even shower that much!

Oh and creeping on boys, BACK ON.

Awful.

It sucks when you find out everythings a lie.

Alone.
Without him.
Forever.


I don't want to get into it but the main thing I feel is confusion.
I loved him? & now I hate him.
I wanted him to fix it but I wanted him to leave.

The images of what I didn't see haunts me.
And his words that expressed he couldn't do anything to change it... taunt me.

I made sure not to see him leaving because I didn;t want that to be a vision I couldn't get out. I just turned my head until I heard the door shut.

It sucks because now I know what it all really feels like and its awful.

Watching From Hell. & hoping this movie will cheer me up. I remember not liking it but I was 12... So maybe now I'll think its good. Got Johnny Depp, murders, and whores.. what else could I ask for..

Oh Venti Latte...

I knew I'd regret the iced venti soy caramel latte from starbucks...
I'm in the back row of class with no way out and have to pee prettttty badly!!

Only a half hour left.. I can not even pay attention - not that i do usually lol but still!

Damn you small bladder!

I just finished the last (10th) Princess Diaries book. I started rereading them this summer? Really that was so long ago! But I haven't been reading every day or every week, obviously.
But I finally finished the series and its so sad! To be done with the books! Except I'm not really, because Mia (from the book) wrote a romance novel that is actually out on shelves, so I have that to read and maybe she will pick the series back up? Who knows!

Anyway, choosing the next book to read is always a hard challenge. I went from reading a young adult princess book and have started a "paranormal romance" as it is labelled. This book is also last in the series, "Honeymoon of the Dead." I started it the moment I finished the last one and it was interesting but kinda draggy.
I was also debting the Eclipse novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner but I don't think I am in the mood to read Stephanie Meyer, although it is short...
There's also another book I got for Christmas that is by the same romance author as above but its her young adult book... Perhaps that would be a better switch to supernatural - since that seems to be the remaining themese in the books I have.

I'll have to test it out later today. Sample each book and pick one.

March!

Even though February was a good month for me, I'm happy its over.
March = spring time!
Also I am allowed to breach the subject of dating with Peter in about 14 days.

I applied to several jobs at The Cary Institute of Ecosystem Studies near my house. 2 of them have to do with studying lyme disease and field work, while anotehr one has to do with the study of the Hudson River and mussels? I'm not sure. I don't care what I get it'll look good on a resume etc, close to home, and probably pays well. It's also fulltime which is good so I am not sitting in the house all summer and hate being there.

Ahh fish.

I came home, the first time in a month, to my new fish babies, and fish.

Only to:
1. See that both tanks were dirty.
2. Find a dead fish floating at the top of my adult tank
3. Notice that there was only ONE fish now left in my adult tank out of 5 when I left.
4. See that the last remaining fish has ich.

So with this information I got mad that my mom wasn't telling me that the fish were dying. I knew one died but not 4 although, she claims 2 and the one that died tonight.. So a fish is missing according to her.
I then proceeded to look for this parasite medicine I had, which didn't think would work but I wanted to read the box. It's been lying around the basement forever only now its missing.
I then decided to take out the last fish and clean the tank. Hoping that the ich would go away too. At least in the water, I knew I'd have to get medicine in the morning regardless.
After taking out allllll the water and cleaning it, the Ich remained. I felt really bad putting the fish back in that water but I don't have another tank and it is the only one left. :\
I then took on the job of cleaning the baby tank. So far no Ich in there. Thank goodness because they are my only chance for survival of my guppy family tree. Next time I come home I'll have to try to find a healthy male fish at the store so hopefully they will have babies again and also that way I don't have any imbreeded fish.

I'm just so mad my mom didn't tell me. And I have been home since 10:30 and have been doing this for the past 2 1/2 hours!!

And as much as I want to take them back with me even more now... I guess I will leave them before causing them any more stress by taking them in a bumpy car ride :(

I hate my life, voila.

I’ve learned many things in college.

How to shotgun a beer and smoke without setting off the fire alarm.
But my most favorite thing I learned, and yet least favorite at the same time is how to deal with a broken heart.

Prior to college, relationships are simple despite how complicated they may appear to be. In college, everyone has a past, and if they don’t they are usually pretty serial killer scary. I can’t speak for everyone but my college love was superb. It lasted a whole four months. It was real. We felt it. We loved it. We cherished every minute of it, waiting for it to come to its bitter end. Which it did, of course, that’s how it always goes isn’t it?

It started off like every college relationship, I mean, hook up. We drank together, we laughed together, and laid in bed together. We had a fun time that night, but I knew my rightful place, and left shortly after at an early 7 am. That weekend to follow, was my favorite of all. We spent every moment together……….

Wait a minute, but it ended?? What was it that went wrong? I keep blaming myself for not being pretty enough, or skinny enough, or blond, or flirty. Then I realized, I am all those things. Well, not blond, but my point is still there. Some people just don’t deserve great things. And it’s clearly not my fault that he didn’t realize it sooner. Or he didn’t cherish it. That he went out and ruined it while I was drinking with him and our friends. That he ignored me. That he shot me down. That he was a pathetic mess. I am not to blame.
I don’t care how pretty she is, or how high you were, or how intoxicated you were. You had a girl in front of you, that you had for four months. But you shushed her up and pushed her away for a girl you barely talked to. And who quite honestly, would not in a million years, be with you.
I was doing you a favor. Making you look worthy of girls, in general. I was helping you not be so fucking pathetic. I guess you let it go to your head. Sorry, I just have low standards but most girls don’t. You won’t get that girl because she won’t settle for a grade below her. And quite honestly, I won’t either. I don’t need to settle, for a guy like you, when I can get a guy a 100000x better, who won’t try to get with other girls.

Your birthday and valentine gifts, are in a garbage by the door. I guess that’s what they are after all, right? Garbage. Pointless things you got me for what reason? Because you were fucking me? I don’t need your gifts. I don’t need your time at all. Guess what. Out of all the orgasms you’ve given me. I faked about 95% of them. I have had better. And quite honestly, most of the times I just got bored. Hence the faking. I just wanted it to be over. And I didn’t want to share my bed with you. I wanted you to get the fuck out. Cuddling is for people who like each other. And you never liked me, and now I do not like you.

So get the fuck out of my life. I never want to speak to you again. I never meant anything as much I mean this. What kills me more, is that you will never be man enough to explain. You won’t come and try to plead your case. You won’t talk to me in person. Because you know why? You’re a coward. And what’s worse than a cowardly man? Nothing. It is the worst. I can do much better than a cheating coward. Easily. You claim all the girls you’ve gotten, I’ll call your bluff. You want proof of mine? Look around you. I’m not proud of it, but the truth is, you’re just one of many and I’ve hurt this way before. I’ve loved this way before. You couldn’t really hurt me any worse than I’ve already felt.

I’m sitting here writing this because I can’t sleep. I would much rather punch you in the face or scream at you. I would much rather do a thousand other things to you, than sleep. Because I’m so heart broken. Except, I call bluff on myself. I know that once I do fall asleep, and wake up sometime tomorrow that I will feel better. That my heart will be mended and I won’t hate everything so much. I may even forgive you for being a greedy, worthless pig. Maybe. But I know that I won’t be blaming me anymore. That I’ll feel renewed at the fact that I can get any boy I want and that you are not worth the challenge anymore. I’ve grown bored of your self loathing games. I want a man who can stand up for himself, plead his case, take me out, and want to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

I won’t need you in the morning.
I hope you got a good look of me last night, because seeing you will be the last thing I do.

Happy Birthday, in a series of Horoscopes.

My horoscope today! I've been waiting all year to read the "If todays your birthday:" so here it is:

Happy Birthday! You are inspired to make changes to your health habits, especially where they make you feel more beautiful. Small adjustments to your routines bring more pleasure and fun into your life. It will be a great year, enjoy!

DAILY HOROSCOPE: We often associate love with romance, but philosophers since ancient times have identified many forms. Whether its love of family, friendship, self-value, or partnership, I do think there are many ways we can experience care and appreciation. It will be a great day, enjoy!

Aquarius Horoscope: Synthetic flowers create permanent beauty, but they don’t smell like the real thing. You may be trying to create something long lasting. However, there is a rare beauty in what must change. Appreciate the brilliance available now, even if you don’t know if it will last.

Best Vegan Mac & Cheese

Basically I started off using a vegan mac and cheese recipe found on vegweb, here

But after tweaking to be easier and cheaper I have come up with the following recipe:

Ingredients:

1 pound of elbow macaroni

"Cheese" Sauce:
1 cup unsweetened nondairy milk
1 cup mashed potato flakes
2/3 cup canola or vegetable oil (debating using apple sauce)
2/3 cup water
2 packets or teaspoons of chinese soy sauce
about 1/3 of (14 ounce) block [lite] firm tofu
2/3 tablespoon garlic powder
2/3 tablespoon paprika
dash of salt
Saltines


Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Boil water in a big pot and cook pasta according to package directions.

2. Add all of the "cheese" sauce ingredients in a blender and process until smooth. This may be difficult so I tend to split it up and do it in sections. Once pasta is cooked, drain and put it in the baking pan (about the size of a brownie pan). Pour the "cheese" sauce over the pasta.

3. Break/grind saltine crackers on top of macaroni.

4. Bake until the top of the pasta looks slightly browned and crispy, about 15 minutes.


Serves: 1-10 people. (I can very much devour this whole thing, but served as a side dish, could serve 8-10.)
Preparation time: I'm a spazz cooking, so it took me about 20 minutes;
Cooking Time: 15 minutes

-This original recipe had called for nutritional yeast, however what I found was incredibly expensive. So this is great because it has no nutritional yeast in it and is amazingly tasty. Also the original called for a dallop of mustard, this may give it that yellow color but I didn't feel like putting in the mustard. I don't mind if its more a hummus color.

--I'm making it at the moment to bring back to school, however I will probably eat it for breakfast and lunch tomorrow! So good!